Don't Live Life Looking Backwards

In the past few years, both my sister along with two of my wife's sisters have lost their husbands at a much too early age.  Although the circumstances between each is different, for some unknown reason I was thinking about the ways each has dealt with the loss, and from that a lesson we all can learn from emerged.

What this weeks Monday Morning Minute is not, is a suggestion of how a person can deal with their loss.  I am taking some artistic license here and using the loss of a loved one or husband as the catalyst to start a train of thought, in this case using  the loss as a picture and illustration.

Here is the thing I know, we have all faced loss, and not just the loss of a loved one.  We have lost at home, we have lost at work or school, we have loss when it comes to the things we set out to do.  The lesson I think exists here is what those next steps look like, and how we deal with them.

When my sister lost her husband a few years ago, she was an absolute wreck.  Our hearts broke as she went through the grieving process, in her case, it involved using reference material that told her what she should be feeling at various weeks past the initial loss.  

In one hard conversation she commented that she did not know how she would be able to move on.  I remember during that conversation making the comment to her, that her husband would not want her to stop living, and that the best way she could honor his memory is in being the best you, she could possibly be.

I think that notion extends to many other aspects of life.  All of us have faced failure or setback in life.  My question to you is this, how did you deal with it.

Did you fold up, give up, gather up, and head home, tail between your legs.  Or did you embrace what was learned and face that challenge again another day?

Did you use that failure as the reason why the next time you tried something, you were better situated to succeed at what you set out to accomplish?

Did you vow to never do the things you did that caused the hurt, and find a way to not only learn from it, but apply it to future endeavors?

If we as humans allow the past to define us, we miss out on all the future holds for us.  If, instead of looking forward each and everyday to a bright new future, we spend the days looking over our shoulder at what once was, there is a whole lot of life we will end up missing out on.

Here is what really brought this full circle for me.  Imagine if you will, a time in the not so distant future, where you find yourself reunited again with that lost loved one, or the failure that so succinctly kicked your butt.  What would you report back at that time as to what was done to accomplish great things.

Perhaps I am being flippant or insensitive to those who have lost loved ones, but the truth is, I think I am being quite the opposite.  The greatest way you honor past experience is succeeding at future experiences, and constantly looking over your shoulder at a past that gets further and further away every waking minute means you will miss out on your next chapter.

If this lesson does not apply to you, I am sorry.  But for me, the greatest honor I can give or do to that which defined me in the past is to simply succeed at what I have in front of me.  And not just succeed, but succeed in a brilliant way that exceeds your wildest expectations.

*****

Personal Success Coach is pleased to offer coaching packages starting at $299 per month.  Each session is intentional and deliberately designed with you in mind to address the issues important to you taking you from where you are in life to where you want to be.

Choosing To Fail

I have a friend, he is almost 20 years older than me, and having known him for most of my life, I think I can speak with authority in the topic being introduced here today.  

My friend has been married several times, and divorced from the mother of his three adult children, he now resides with his girlfriend who is my age, and therefore 20 years younger than he is.  

Got it?  Good!

I lay the ground work as it will serve as an important idea I am going to try to develop this week regarding life in general.  My friend and his ex-wife raised three kids, all of whom are college educated and functioning, contributing members of society.  

The girlfriend has three adult kids as well, but those kids are younger in comparison to those raised by my friend, coming in around 20, 22 & 24 - give or take a year or two on each.  These three kids life paths have been quite different from those taken by my friends kids.  Although as a result of a teenage pregnancy the middle child was forced into being an adult, the oldest and youngest still have not transitioned into adulthood yet.

I bring you one more nugget of information to more fully develop the backstory - the girlfriend is comes from a family that is third or fourth generation, dependent.  In other words, the lineage is such that the family as a whole depends on the government to survive.  Call it what you will, food stamps, subsidized rent, hand outs, tax breaks.

Now let me be very clear here.  I am not in any way, shape or form attempting to make a social or political statement with what I am sharing here, for me, the lesson comes from the choices each individual makes that can effect the outcomes of their own lives. 

Recently, the youngest of the three kids rejoined my friend and his girlfriend, the kids mother.  He had had an extended stay at his birth fathers house, and after battling drug addictions and other issues, he decided to move to his mothers verbally stating he wanted to start life over and have a redo.

Starting over and having a redo is hard.  I do not want to suggest it is easy at all.  Making the fundamental changes necessary in life to course correct and determine a different outcome is extremely difficult.  But hear me out, it is extremely difficult, but not impossible. 

My friend asked me if I would meet with this young man, and I agreed.  During out time together he spoke a big game, talked about all the things he wanted to accomplish, and to his credit he had a “take the world by the horns” attitude necessary to start the path towards success.

During our time together I gave him a very simple assignment, one that would only take a few moments, but within the assignment it would require some really hard self reflection and adjustment.  I told him that I was all for him seeking to change his world and his outcome, but that the change could only start with him, emphasizing that the only thing he could change is himself and therefore despite all the distractions and complications of life, he was going to be the one that needed to change.

Sadly, as of today, the simple assignment given to him by me has remained uncompleted.  I have seen him a couple of times since our first meeting, and my friend keeps me in the loop as to the lack of progress with this young man.  The sad truth is, he is more content to blame his circumstances on everyone else, than he is willing to own the circumstances and start taking the difficult steps towards change.

Here is where I am at with this process.  The reality is, we all have circumstances that affect the outcome of our lives.  Perhaps yours are not as tragic as this young mans are, perhaps they are worse.  The question I always like to see asked and answered is simply this, what are you doing to make the changes necessary to achieve the outcomes in life you want to achieve.  

Yes, it sucks that this kid had the deck stacked against him from the day he was born given the circumstances he was born into .  It sucks.  I’m not going to argue that point for even a minute.  But here is what I know, he can, if was chooses too, make changes necessary to confront those challenges and set himself up for success in this life.  

NO ONE ELSE CAN DO IT FOR HIM - and guess what, no one else can do if for you either.

You and you alone hold the keys to your life’s journey in the palm of your hands.  You and you alone can either choose to make the past events of your life the reason why you fail, or the reason you succeed.

And guess what, you have the ability to start that change TODAY.

If you make that choice.

So the challenge is really simple this week.  If you are stuck in a place using the events that have occurred to you in the past as the reason you are the way you are today.  STOP IT, and start making change that will positively affect the outcome of the rest of your life.  Just because you started behind does not mean you cannot finish strong.

Make today the day you stop making excuses and start making decisions that will positively affect the rest of your life.

The journey will not be easy and the steps you need to take will probably be hard, but I can promise you this, the outcome you will achieve will be worth it.  

When I get to the end of my days, I want to reflect back and say with confidence that I lived my life to its fullest, that I gave it my all, and that I did the best job possible for me, the ones I love, the ones I am fortunate enough to do life with.  

I believe with all my heart and soul that failure is a choice, but it is not a choice I accept, and it is not a choice that I will allow to hold me down.  I feel bad for that young man, but in the end, I know the only person who can make that change is him, and right now, he has chosen to fail.

How about you???

*****

Personal Success Coach is pleased to offer coaching packages starting at $299 per month.  Each session is intentional and deliberately designed with you in mind to address the issues important to you taking you from where you are in life to where you want to be.

Reality Adjustment

Yesterday was my birthday.  I’ve officially started the 2nd half of my my forties having turned 45.  I’ve never enjoyed others making a big deal out of the day, I’m not one to run around and find ways to work my birthday into conversations in which it doesn’t belong or fit.  Quite the contrary, for me a perfect birthday is hanging out with family and friends, a good dinner - and in the case of this year - a strawberry cake from a local bakery I enjoy.

As I was thinking about this weeks topic, I had a great one written out and ready to go, but my gut told me to stop and post that one in a few weeks instead taking a moment to focus on reality and adjustments to that reality.

For those of you who are math or calendar challenged (or who are reading this in January), September 8th is 3 days before September 11.  Being old enough to vividly remember the horrible events of that day, perhaps it should come as no surprise that that day impacted my life, but seared a specific set of memories and thoughts that frame that day and my perspective both pre and post 9/11.

On September 8, 2001, my fiancé (we got married 12/29/2001) went to South Coast Plaza in Costa Mesa California to do some shopping.  Shopping is probably a little disingenuous as for the most part, there really isn’t much there that at that point in life we could afford.  But we went anyways, primarily because I wanted to look at high end watches, and given the multiple jewelers at that mall, it was the perfect location to window shop.

I remember spending the day going store to store, gawking, and in some cases trying on a bunch of different watches - most of which I couldn’t afford.  It’s OK to dream, and quite honestly I think it is healthy, and I was doing just that.

I really don’t remember what was done on the 9th or 10th of September, but on the morning of 9/11 I went into the office at my normal early hour.  As was the normal routine, the guy I worked with and I would head to breakfast at a local diner called Jack’s which was located in Cerritos, a few miles from the office.  

It was on the drive there while listening to KFI AM640, a Los Angeles based radio station that news of the first plane striking broke.  I remember Bill Handel, the morning host commenting that not much was known at that point other than it probably being a small plane.  

As the second plane went into the tower, the tone of the morning show changed with the host recognizing that we as a country were being attacked.  That morning I remember listening as the news continued to develop, never leaving KFI and the coverage it was providing.  Every couple of years KFI will actually make available the full audio from that day, it is something I would encourage you to listen to as it is still riveting and relevant almost 20 years later.

What is interesting about 9/11 aside from the horror, was just how many people I knew who either knew people that day, or who were one or two people removed from knowing people from that day.  

For me though, and the direction and point I wanted to make this morning with this post, is simply this.  For me, 9/11 put a lot of stuff into perspective in terms of what is important in life.  It is one of those days I’ll never forget, or at least won’t forget until I stop remembering.  

From a frivolous shopping trip to a mall we couldn’t to afford, to the stark reality that there is true evil in this world, that couple of days really changes perspective and challenges priorities.  Experts will tell you that stopping life because of an act of terror like what we saw on 9/11 is exactly what terrorism is all about, and to a certain extent I think that is correct.  

But inversely, living life as if nothing happened just isn’t a reality for most.  It becomes a fine line, and one that I think each person individually needs to define to establish their new normal.  I know in the case of my best friend who was slated to stand as best man in my wedding, he respectfully asked to sit out as he was concerned about flying in the months after 9/11.  I fully and completely understood and admitted if the roles was reversed I shared similar concerns.

So here is the challenge this week.  As the week unfolds and multiple channels run documentaries about 9/11 and the events that unfolded, take a few minutes and reflect on not only where you were that day, but how that day may have impacted your life.  

Ask yourself, was your reality adjusted by that day, and did your perspective change.  I know for me, what really mattered, family and friends, became much more important than the stuff I thought I needed or wanted.  How about you, are you different post 9/11?

As my wife and kids wished me happy birthday, and we went about having fun together under the umbrella of my birthday, I’m fortunate because as a family we intentionally find ways to spend time together and have fun together.  It doesn’t take a birthday to make that happen.  

The fact that my birthday happens to fall within a few days of 9/11 may make that process more real and relevant, but I know for me, that day, 9/11, created a reality adjustment that has made me a better person.

*****

Personal Success Coach is pleased to offer coaching packages starting at $299 per month.  Each session is intentional and deliberately designed with you in mind to address the issues important to you taking you from where you are in life to where you want to be.

Would You Hire You?

Can we talk candidly with each other for a moment this morning?  Forget about everyone else, right now it’s just you and me.  Friends, talking over a drink outside the four walls of the office.  You know the setting, a place where you and I can get real and honest with each other without consequence or retribution.

You good with that?

Great.  I wanted to ask you a question that I was challenged with this past week.  And the more I thought about it the more intrigued I got about the idea.

Would you hire you to do the job you currently do?

It’s a question that the more I ponder, the more relevant it has become.

Last week we discussed the idea of leaving a mark, and I’ve since added the idea of seizing the moment to that on my own personal journey, but along the way I’ve recognized that if I’m not up to the task of doing what I’m supposed to be doing, I’ve got some adjustments that need to be made before I’m situated to leave that mark.

Which raises the notion that if I wouldn’t hire me to do what I’ve been hired to do, were did the breakdown occur and what steps am I taking to correct it.  In other words, if on a daily basis I am in effect simply phoning it in and not giving it my all - why on earth should I continue to get paid to simply half-ass the effort I’m bring paid money to do.

The fact is, if we aren’t giving it our all, we are not only letting ourselves down but those around us as well.  And I for one don’t want to be the topic of conversation as others sit around drinks each night bemoaning the fact that we aren’t carrying our fair share of the workload.  I don’t want to be the one singled out for subpar performance.

I want to be the one setting the world on fire and tackling each and every task as if my life depended on it.  To accomplish that means I need to be giving my all - all the time.  I know that seems unrealistic, and in some cases it probably is.  But what I know is absent that desire the throws of mediocrity will quickly set it meaning your role within your role quickly becomes marginalized with others most likely having to pick up the slack.

I’ve got a friend who recently shared with me how annoyed they were as a co-worker spends most of their day tackling the mind numbing chore of managing  fantasy sports teams.  This really irritated my friend as this co-worker was a cohort on a project that bore both their names.  

As we dove deeper into the discussion, my friend revealed that their co-worker had never even set themselves up on a particular software program needed to complete the project meaning my friend ended up completing most of the project.  

Getting down to the brass tacks revealed that most, if not all the frustration with this co-worker was predicated on that fact that at the completion of the project both names would appear even though one did the majority of the work.  

I don’t know about you, but for me being that other person who slacks off is not a role I want to assume.

So let me ask you the question again this time within the context of our conversation here.  Would you hire you to do the job you are currently doing?

If the answer is, “Yes”,  Great.  If the answer is, “No”, what things do you need to start doing today to effect the change necessary to change that No to Yes?

It may not seem like a hard question but it is a needed challenge.  This week, spend time making sure that job you are doing is meeting or exceeding the job you were hired to do.  And if it isn’t, make this the week to start the change.

*****

Personal Success Coach is pleased to offer coaching packages starting at $299 per month.  Each session is intentional and deliberately designed with you in mind to address the issues important to you taking you from where you are in life to where you want to be.

Leaving Your Mark

I have a secret to share with you all today, in fairness it’s not secret to those who know me well, but for you all it will come as new information.  It’s nothing bad, more of a guilty pleasure, a calorie free guilty pleasure which in my book means its good.  

I love to watch trains as they pass by.  I love the sound of the steel on steel, the clinging, the hissing, the clacking, the raw power as the locomotives pull past and the ground around them rumble in response.  There is just something majestic about watching a train rumble down the tracks, the sights and sounds and smells that accompany the train for me are fantastic.

I’m also very fortunate to live in a town that has a vibrant economy with a CSX line that runs through the center of town.  Given our close proximity to the Nissan factory means that on any given day you are just as likely to see a train carrying brand new cars from the factory as you are seeing a coal train rumbling by on its way to deliver its freight that will keep the power plant running.

When I’m out driving and time allows, there are 2-3 places along the track that I know I can safely park and observe the train up close.  When my daughter was younger we would make a point to stop at least once a week and “catch a train” as she would refer to it.  It was something that we shared together, and as she’s gotten older I miss those times we had to spend together.

Last week I was with my wife as she was getting her hair done, and the salon we both visit sits across the street from the Smyrna Train Depot.  It is not uncommon to see multiple trains pass by, and the stylist we both use knows that when a train is coming he’ll actually turn the chair so that I can look out the window to see the train pass by while he’s cutting my hair.  (Perhaps there’s a lesson there we can address on another week!)

As I waited while her hair was being done, a train whistle could be heard off in the distance meaning I made my way outside the building to watch for the oncoming train.  As it approached I noticed it had 4 locomotives which meant it was probably going to be a long train, in excess of a mile long or more as is typical on this particular line.

As the cars passed by, I started to pay special attention to the graffiti that adorned so many of the cars.  I’ve never really paid a lot of attention to graffiti in the past, but as this particular train passed by I saw that there was something beautiful about the amount of attention the artists had paid in creating their mark on life.  Let me be clear, I’m not here to argue the legality of the graffiti or the fact that it is in fact vandalism, rather I was focused on the attention given as those who created it sought to create their mark on life.

All to often I think we get stuck in the mundane, and we fail to create a mark on our own lives.  I encourage you to not overthink this one today, this isn’t the life altering leave a legacy type of discussions we’ve had in the past.  Nope, todays challenge is simply this.  Much like those graffiti artists who spend their time, talent and resources to create their mark that ultimately is here today, gone tomorrow - that lasting indelible mark has the possibility of affecting others in the days, weeks and years to come - assuming it isn’t painted over by the next ambitious artist.

Let me ask you this, if you had the opportunity to leave a mark, even if short term, on the lives of those around you - be it co-workers, friends or family - would you take it?  Do you have the confidence to step out and create change with those you work with, even if just short term or otherwise mundane or perhaps trivial, can you do it?

As I watched that train pass by I was awestruck on how much time and planning had gone into some of the different markings on the side of the train cars.  The fiscal side of me took note of how much money in some cases had been spent simply acquiring the paint necessary to complete the different works of art.  On one hand it seems like a tremendous waste of time and talent, but on this particular day I didn’t see it that way.  

I found myself wanting to know more about the person behind the art.  What was it that they saw that they needed others to see in creating their masterpiece.  What mark where they seeking to make, what statement was being portrayed that I was missing.

Here’s the truth.  Not everything you do in life will be life changing or remembered forever.  However, how difficult would it be to create lots of small events that effect those around you, that leave those whom you come into contact with wondering why you did what you did but appreciating the fact that you did it.  

I don’t know about you, but I think if you start creating a lot of small life changing events that you leave your mark on in your sphere of influence, they’ll quickly morph into bigger larger opportunities to create real life changing life altering events.  For me, if you can start doing that, just like me wanting to know the story behind the graffiti I’ll want to know your story as well.

So go on, leave your mark today.  Others will be glad you did.

*****

Personal Success Coach is pleased to offer coaching packages starting at $299 per month.  Each session is intentional and deliberately designed with you in mind to address the issues important to you taking you from where you are in life to where you want to be.

My Response Was Wrong

Can we get honest with each other for a few minutes this morning?  You know what I mean, just you and I talking honestly, being transparent with each other.  Is that OK with you?

Great!  If you don’t mind, let me go first.  

Here goes, I’ve got to be honest with you, I had a rough start to the weekend.  I was trying to finish a project that demanded use of some new programs I had never used before.  The hard work had been done for several days, the final step though required using a new to me software program and despite watching not only the software developer supplied support videos and FAQ’s, as well as multiple other videos found on YouTube demonstrating the process - it just wouldn’t work for me.

I even found one support video that had the software running on a MacBook Pro, following every step offered in that video still resulted in me not being able to duplicate the results as shown in the video.

Here is where the honesty comes in, I was beyond frustrated.  I was annoyed, I was angry, I was perturbed to think that instead of using common upload and presentation tools this project demanded the use of an obscure program that offered no tangible benefit over other commonly used programs instead lending frustration to the process.

And I failed.  

I failed big time.  

In my frustration in not being able to complete what I was working on, I took my frustration out in reaction to my family.  My wife summoned me to help her with something, and I allowed the annoyance of the project I was struggling with to affect me reaction to her - and she got mad at me.  

And I deserved it.  No doubt about it.  

I was a jerk in the way I responded.

And I was wrong.

In the heat of the moment I allowed a stupid program on a computer located someplace far far away to cloud my judgment and influence my reactions to others.  My response to my wife was wrong, the cause of which had nothing to do with her or the issue she was inquiring of me about.

As I ate crow and begged for forgiveness, I realized that there was a lesson there that I needed to be reminded of this week.  Maybe its something you need to hear as well.

How often do we allow influences from one area of life to cloud our judgment in other areas? 

How often do we allow that influence to affect negatively other aspects of our life?  

If we are being honest with each other, my guess would be that our answer is, “more often than we’d like it to be.”

And within our honesty is a lesson I know I need to be reminded of, but perhaps you need to be reminded of as well this week.  It’s not that we won’t face challenges or hurdles - its how we handle and respond to those challenges or hurdles that defines us.  Within the context of my weekend, I failed in my response.  I had to walk back my reaction and apologize to my wife.  Thankfully I have a super cool wife who forgives, and that initial start to the weekend was quickly put behind us and we finished strong.

That project I was working on is another story.  I’ve submitted all the supporting files along with an apology (and several screen shots showing my results) stating I was unable to get the project to load on the specific platform.  I’ll have to wait and see how that ultimately shakes out - but at least for me - I was reminded in a powerful way that the way I act and react matters.

As you start this week, I know you will face issues that will bring you to a crossroads of reaction.  Don’t fail the process like I did this past weekend.  Take a minute and take a step back.  Draw in a deep breath and be reminded that what you do next can influence the rest of your day or the balance of your week.  The person(s) you are responding to may not be as kind and understanding as my wife was with me this weekend.

Have a great week, we’ll meet back here next week and celebrate our victories.

*****

Personal Success Coach is pleased to offer coaching packages starting at $299 per month.  Each session is intentional and deliberately designed with you in mind to address the issues important to you taking you from where you are in life to where you want to be.

Dear Younger Me

Dear Younger Me,

Well, here it is, the first day of the second half of the year.  How are you doing on the goals you set for yourself back on January 1?  

Have you accomplished, or at least set into motion those things you wanted to see achieved this year?  

Are you happy with the progress or have you stagnated and fallen behind?

Have you fallen back into old habits or have new habits resolved in January stuck and become a new normal for you?

Has life mastery gotten easier for you, or have you continued allowed life circumstances hamper progress?

Have you refined and challenged goals set at the beginning of the year, or have you simply given up on those goals?

I mean, let’s face it, there’s always next year, right?

Do you have the time to stop and reflect or are the things in your life still controlling you versus you mastering them?

When you get a minute, drop a line and let me know how you’ve done.  I’m excited to hear a good report.

Sincerely,

Current Me

*****
Dear Current Me,

I am (choose one [happy] [sad]) to report that things are going (choose one [better] [worse]) than expected.  

Thanks for checking in, I’ll see you at the year end (choose one [celebration] [support group]).

Sincerely,

Younger Me

*****

If the first half of the year isn’t quite playing out the way you hoped it would on January 1, maybe it’s time to engage with a Coach and get your plans back on track.

*****

Personal Success Coach is pleased to offer coaching packages starting at $299 per month.  Each session is intentional and deliberately designed with you in mind to address the issues important to you taking you from where you are in life to where you want to be.